Orgazmo

The Crimefighter: Mormon missionary Joe Young, who finds himself playing Orgazmo in a porn movie. He fights crime using the Orgazmorator.

The Costume: Really pink, soft and cheap. (Easy.) This is a porn movie, after all.

Lamest Feature: The over-sized jock strap. Who is he kidding?

Crimson Bolt

The Crimefighter: Frank D’Arbo. His wife leaves him for a drug dealer. She’s hot, so he wants her back, which is when he decides to become the Crimson Bolt. Y’know, to impress her.

The Costume: A weird, patchwork red thing with a utility belt thrown in for good measure.

Lamest Feature: Said utility belt has definitely seen better days, but that mask is just horrible. A superhero basically d💝epends on his mask for his cool factor, and this on🉐e has zero of that.

Superman

The Crimefighter: Alien from Krypton. The last survivor of his world. He comes to Earth as a baby and grows up to be a protector of mankind.

The Costume: The unused super-suit that Nicolas Cage would have worn in Tim Burton’s aborted Superman project.

Lamest Feature: It’s just so glowy and neon – frankly, it makes Joel Schumacher’s ill-advised, neon-heavy Batman films look positively restrained.

Captain America

The Crimefighter: Steve Rogers. He gets turned into a super-soldier during World War II and fights the villainous Red Skull.

The Costume: Rubber. Very patriotic in red, blue and white. Has wings on his head. And a big star on his chest.

Lamest Feature: It🐻’s another pyjama effort, though this one’s more kinky considering it’s made out of rubber. Also, his shield looks like a Frisbee…

The Fantastic Four

The Crimefighters: Four friends are hit by cosmic rays while cruising in an experimental space craft, and are gifted with extraordinary powers.

The Costumes: Tight, block-coloured atrocities with a horrible white neck and the number four stamped on the chest.

Lamest Feature: Holy lycra! Completely unforgiving material✤ means every single bump and roll is accentuated in these horr🌠ible outfits. Far from fantastic, their wearers just look like oversized Smurfs.

Green Lantern

The Crimefighter: Hal Jordan, who becomes an Earth-protecting Green Lantern when he’s given a powerful ring.

The Costume: Green, sinewy, glowy.

Lamest Feature: It’s completely CGI. Director Martin Campbell ꦗclearly wanted to push the boundaries of technology, but he accomplishes nothing by denying Reynolds a suit to wear – it looks like a parody of itself.

Defendor

The Crimefighter: Arthur Poppington, a mentally ill dude who thinks he’s a superhero.

The Costume: It’s meant to be a bit lame, of course, being a put-together-from-scraps ensemble created by a mentally ill man.

Lamest Feature: The stuck-on ♌D, which looks like a five-year-old did iꦓt.

The Phantom

The Crimefighter: Kit walker, who inherits his Phantom abilities from his murdered father.

The Costume: Purple. Has a very tie-dye effect going on across the chest. Tight. Must be a nightmare to put on in a hurry.

Lamest Feature: The skullcap. Who’s afraᩚᩚᩚᩚᩚᩚ⁤⁤⁤⁤ᩚ⁤⁤⁤⁤ᩚ⁤⁤⁤⁤ᩚ𒀱ᩚᩚᩚid of a guy wearing a purple skullcap? Nobody, that’s who.

Catwoman

The Crimefighter: Patience Phillips, graphic designer by day, prowling feline by night.

The Costume: A patchy, slashed leather ensemble that looks like Catwoman’s gone ten rounds with the local tomcats.

Lamest Feature: Um, all of it? The head’s bulbous and silly, the benailed-gloves tacky. Catwoman looks like she’s just slinked off page three of The Sun .

Batman

The Crimefighter: Also known as the Dark Knight. Skulks in shadows. Protects the city of Gotham. Is really richboy Bruce Wayne.

The Costume : Sheeny, sort of silver-y, looks like it’s really uncomfortable. A total departure from the costume Michael Keaton wore in Tim Burton’s Batman .

Lamest Feature: Just look at that ginormous cod piece. Not only is it ridiculousl♛y ambitious, it’s also spray-painted eye-catching silver. It's almost as bad as Clooney's other Bat costume - yes the one with the nipples. Gah!