Friedberg and Seltzer Suck

Vampires Suck is o🐭ut this today! Woo-hoo! It's been a long, testing wait, but finally, after two long years, 🅷Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer are back!

Better than Laurel & Hardy, Bill Hicks and sex combined, these comedy giants have given us some of the finest gut-busters of recent years. Their ability to mine humour from already funny films and put farts where there weren't farts b▨efore, have made them a fortune and we can't wait to see what they come up with next.

But where else is there to go? They've tackled nearly every genre-ဣ scary🦂, epic, Spartans...

What else is there for thꦫese m𒉰asters of mirth to sink their teeth into? Dare to dream.

Arthouse

Plot: Carmen Electra stars as Pee Dolly, whose meth-cooking father (played by Fred Willard, who really should know better) is on the run as a fugitive. With the help of a pot-smoking Frank the rabbit and El Topo, who wears a bra and gets hit in the crotch a lot, Pee goes looking for hiꦏm inside the head of a man who looks a bit like John Malkovich. They eventually discover him masturbating in front of the Three Colours Trilogy: Red (obviously).

Pointless cameo: About halfway through, Tony𝐆 Cox shows up and crucifies a monkey. A man who could just about pass for Werner Herzog walks into shot and calls 'Cut.' Tony goes 'Aw, he📖ll no...'

LMAOROFL scene: At one point the Malkovich lookalike says a line from Con Air. Three pꦓeople in the audience smile because they got the reference.

Film Noir

Plot: A man who looks and sou♒nds nothing like Humphrey Bogart, but was prepared to be vomited on by a cat, plays Dick Blaine, who goes on a quest with Harry Lemon (Ha!) and Carmen Electra, to find The Blue Brahlia. No effort is made to make t💙his look anything like a film noir. But a cat vomits. Twice.

Pointless cameo: Les💝lie Nielsen plays Orson Welles as꧂ a frozen pea-guzzling glutton. Several audience members shake their head in disgust.

LMAOROFL moment: Oꦐptimus Prime gets an erectionꦺ. This has nothing to do with film noir.

Woody Allen

Plot: Crispin Glover pla🍎ys Pretzel, a neurotic, Jewish, New York intellectual, who must go on a quest (because a quest element seems to be the only way of adding some sense of cohesion to this dross), along with Annie, a bikini-clad bimbo with a lolly in her mouth (played by Carmen Electra), and, for some reason, a number of the minions from Despicable Me, to prevent a Wagner concert from taking place in Madison Sq. Gardens. Manages to out-crap Cassandra's Dream. No, ♐really.

Pointless cameo: That guy from youtube, you know the one... well, one of them, turns up and does the thing that got him/heꦯr noticed in the first place. And it's even funni꧙er on the big screen, completely out of context.

LMAOROFL scene: Pretzel ends up on a small Latin American island. Annie does something lewd with a banana. See what they did 🅰there?

Silent Film

Plot: A man who Friedberg and Seltzer found doing a Chaplin impression outside Mann's Chinese Theatre plays Chaplin, who, along🅰 with a Buster Keaton and Harold Lloyd impressionist, goes on a quest to find sound

...actually this one could be quite good.

Pointless cameo: Carmen Electra plays Maria, the robot from Metropolis. She has sex with𝓀 R2-D2, who's played by Tony Cox. He says 'Aw, hell no...'

LMAOROFL moment: Nosferatu farts. But it's silen🎃t. So no one knows.

The Coen Brothers

Plot: Essentially a spoof of The Big Lebowski, widely regarded as one of the greatest comedies of all time, this centres on The Dood, played by the cheapest man with a beard that Friedberg and Seltzer could find, who arranges to have his wife kidnapped by the Hulk. Wh﷽y? We don't know.

Pointless cameo: Cಌarmen Electra as heavily pregnant cop, Marge Bumderson. She drinks and smokes throughout the film because, in the right hands, harming an unborn child can be funny.

LMAOROFL scene: In one hysterical sequence, theܫ Dood mistakes a semen sample for a White Russian. Oh no he di'ntᩚᩚᩚᩚᩚᩚ⁤⁤⁤⁤ᩚ⁤⁤⁤⁤ᩚ⁤⁤⁤⁤ᩚ𒀱ᩚᩚᩚ!

Sci-fi

Plot: An astronaut, played by an ex-soap star who's hit rock bottom (Daniella Westbrook?), lands on aꦰ plan🐲et populated by apes. That breakdance.

Pointless cameo: Carmen Electra. She's an༒ ape. But she still has big boobs. One audience member laughs so hard he shits. His name is Jason. Jason Friedberg.

LMAOROFL scene: In a rare moment of genuine creativity, the apes from 2001: A Space Odyssey, meet the apes from PotA. Then challenge them to a breaꦛkdancing competition.

Sci-fi

Plot: An astronaut,♈ played by an ex-soap star who's hit rock bottom (Daniella Westbrook?), lands on a planet populate🔯d by apes. That breakdance.

Pointless cameo: Carmen Electra. She's an ape. But she still has big boobs. One audience member laughs so hard he shits. His name is ဣJason. Jason Friedberg.

LMAOROFL scene: In a rare moment of genuine creativity, the apes from 2001: A Space Odyssey, meet the apes from PotA. Then ch൩allenge them to a breakdancing competition.

David Lynch

Plot: This manages the near impossible feat of being more incomprehensible than Inland Empire. A woman who looks a bit Laura Dern, turns out to actually be so✃meone who looks a bit like Kyle MacLachlan. They go on a quest 🌊to find the highway. Because it's lost. Heh.

This one does at least 🌄have lesbians. One of whom is played by Carmen Electra. Pass.

Pointless cameo: A confused Grace Zabriskie slips in shit in 𝄹a scene that has absolutely nothing to do with anything. This may not be a spoof🍰...

LMAOROFL scene: Henry Spencer's hair🌳 is large. Like a willy. One audience member laughs, but only because he's tired of crying.

David Lynch

Plot: Th🐻is manages the near impossible feat of being more incomprehensible than Inland Empire. A woman who looks a bit Laura Dern, turns out to actually be someone who looks a bit like Kyle MacLachlan. They go on a quest to find the highway. Because it's lost. Heh.

This one does at least have lesbians. One of whom 𝄹is played by Carmen Electra. Pass.

Pointless cameo: A confused Grace Zabriski🌠e slips in shit in a scene that has absolutely nothing to do with anything. This may not be a spoof...

LMAOROFL scene: He💞nry Spencer's hair is large. Like a willy. One audience member laughs, but only because he's𝕴 tired of crying.

Documentary

Plot: Al Bore nee💖ds Michael Bore to help him bore everyone. Because documentaries are boring. Not like boobs.

The rest of the film is boobs.

Pointless cameo: That Al Gore sure is a good sport...

LMAOROFL scene: What's Al Gore doing to Carmen Electra?

Documentary

Plot: Al Bore 🅺needs Michael Bore to help him bore everyone. Because documentaries are boring. Not like boo🍸bs.

The rest of the film is boobs.

Pointless cameo: That Al Gore sure is a good sport...

LMAOROFL scene: What's Al Gore doing to Carmen Electra?

World Cinema

Plot: A sweet young lady called Spamelie, who's in a fat suit for no apparent reason, decides she's going to help people. In order to do so she must go on a quest (sigh) with a young Bengali, Apu Roy, who says 'Thank you, come again', about once every five minutes, and Lieutenant Werner, who, it is heavily suggested, once had sex with 🌸a submarine. What the quest is for, nobody knows, because the film was written in an afternoon and went into production the next day.

Pointless cameo: Carmen Electra plays a man who bite🦹s a dog. Boom. Sဣatire.

LMAOROFL scene: There isn't one. Even the i🌼diots who usually lap this shit up vow never to watch an American film again.