A smarter way to look at health bars
The Apple Watch (not the iWatch, despite what everyone has called it at least once alread🎉y) is out now. You can buy it. But lots of places will tell you that you shouldn't. They'll tell you it's a pointless waste of money, is over-priced, too fragmented to be iconic and doesn't really do anything that your iPhone can't already do. Especially if you tie your phone to your wrist.
Well, not ꧟me. In fact, I don't even need to tell you what I think of it because video game characters have already got theirs. In fact, you can read exactly how they justified this mega-luxurious purchase over the following slides. They're almost certainly bound to fully convince you that it was worth the money.
Pikachu (from Pokemon)
"Pika! Pika-pi! Chuuuuuuu. Pikachu! Pika-chu. Chuu chuuu Pi. Pika-pi piki-pi, Pikachu. Piki-chu, pika-chu, Pika-pi Pikachu! Pika. Chu. Chuuuuuuuuu❀uuuu."
...which I am reliably told translates roughly to: "The diminutiveဣ battery life doesn't affect me personally, dear fellow. I can charg🥀e it while I wear it thanks to my body's natural abundance of contactless energy. Also, when you die, I will feast upon your soul."
Carl Johnson (from GTA: San Andreas)
"This Apple Watch is pure gold for a man of business like myself. In fact, I𒀰 bought the version that is pure gold because it's just so bling. It's befitting of my status as the man in control of Grove Street and its surrounding area."
"And if a♑nyone starts disrespecting that status and trying to take control of one of the areas in my portfolio, there's this thing called 'taptic feedback'. I just get a discreet tap on my wrist to let me know that som💧e remedial action is required in a specific area, if you know what I'm saying. It doesn't yet tell me how many stars I have on my Wanted Level, but it's still early days."
Wander (from Shadow of the Colossus)
"Right, so I'm killing all these great big beast𝓡 things, yeah? Makes sense that I should only do that for as long as I actually have to. Apple Watch lets me listen to my partner's heart-beat in real-time."
"See, in my case, it's⭕ more about the lack of it. As long as I know my partner's heart isn't b✅eating, I know I have to keep repeatedly stabbing stuff in the brain. It's amazing really, but there's an app for that."
Dovahkiin (from Skyrim)
"The Apple Watch is amazing. I actually paid for the developer SDK so I've developed an app that lets me see my HP, MP and shout recharge time on that gorgeous three-bar clockface𝔉 you know, the one that the official health app uses? Yeah, like that. It's so freakin' sweet."
"I also enchanted my Apple Watch so it lets me breathe underwater. Hmmm? Whats that? What do you mean, it's not waterproof? Aww man I can't ta🅺ke it underwater? You can't change enchantments can you? Son of a"
Agent 47 (From Hitman)
"The Apple Watch is invaluable in my line of work. With taptic feedback I can feel the arrival of new mission information or commissions silently without giving away the communication with a buzz or tone. And with the Apple Watch on my wrist, I'm actually able to see messages coming in while I'm in the middle of an existing job. Whether I'm using cheese wire, a knife or just good old-fashioned bare hands, I simply have to tilt my wrist while completing my contractual obligations and I can൩ read the message."
"By the way, need anyone... you know? No? OK, well, you know where to find me. Just tap me up. Man, I love this thing.🗹 No, don't touch it. Touch it, you die. Simple. Have a lovely day, though. Your hair look💮s nice."
The Hunter (from Bloodborne)
"I spent all my Shiny Coins on an Apple Watch and I have to say, I'm really glad I did. Everyone asks to see it, so I'm happy to letಞ people try it on. It makes me feel big. The Sapphire Glass display is pretty much indestructible, which is useful when you get stabbed with sharp objects all day long like I do. I can also keep a count of my Blood Echoes, vials and how far I've strayed from the nearest lantern using the Health app."
"I actually convinced pretty much everyone in Central Yarnham to get one, but they're not so happy. I hear them through the walls, ranting a🐟bout the battery life and how they have to put it on charge every night: 'This is a curse this is a damn curse!' That's what they say. They took it really badly and now they send me Apple Watch scribbles showing a stick man being burned on a fire or disembowelled or something. Sometimes both. Someone even sent me a note that said 'reeks of hipster'. That was pretty foul. It's totally worth it, though. I love Apple stuff."
Larry Lovage (from Leisure Suit Larry)
"This thing's great! It's a real hit with the ladies and a great way to start a conversation. It's like a woman magnet on my wrist. I must say, however, I think mine is broken. The He♛alth App keeps saying that I've gone running for, like, 100 miles every day, and yet my elevation change and distance traveled are always negligible.
I swear, I haven'🍨t been running at all. I've just been sat in front of my PC, doing, y'know, internet stuff. They replaced it for me once already, but the new one's just the same. Weird. I still love it though."
Justin was a GamesR🦩adar staffer for 10 years but is now a freelancer, musician and videographer. He's big on retro, Sega and racing games (especially retro Sega racing games) and currently also writes for Play Magazine, T𒉰raxion.gg, PC Gamer and TopTenReviews, as well as running his own YouTube channel. Having learned to love all platforms equally after Sega left the hardware industry (sniff), his favourite games include Christmas NiGHTS into Dreams, Zelda BotW, Sea of Thieves, Sega Rally Championship and Treasure Island Dizzy.
